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Minority Party Gone Wild

I know the Republican party has been slowly overcome by wackos in the past decade or so. (Why not be generous?) But, as I was browsing the Huff Post's coverage of Sotomayor Day 1, I saw this list of witnesses who will be testifying at the behest of the two parties...

Majority (Democratic) Witnesses

Michael Bloomberg, Mayor, City of New York

-got it

Chuck Canterbury, National President, Fraternal Order of Police

-check

David Cone, former Major League Baseball pitcher

-Sotomayor ruled on an important case for MLB

JoAnne A. Epps, Dean, Temple University Beasley School of Law, on behalf of the National Association of Women Lawyers

-got it

Louis Freeh, former Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation

-yep

Michael J. Garcia, former U.S. Attorney, Southern District of New York

-makes sense

Wade Henderson, President and CEO of the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights

-huh? oh, it's the oldest civil rights org in the US

Patricia Hynes, President, New York City Bar Association

-check

Dustin McDaniel, Attorney General, State of Arkansas

-sure, okay

Robert Morgenthau, former District Attorney, New York County, New York

-check

Ramona Romero, National President, Hispanic National Bar Association

-yup

Congressman Jose E. Serrano, New York 16th District

-got it

Theodore M. Shaw, Professor, Columbia Law School

-teaches "advanced constitutional law"

Kate Stith, Lafayette S. Foster Professor of Law, Yale Law School

-expert on federal sentencing guidelines and other legal procedure

Congresswoman Nydia Velazquez, Chair of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus.

-sure

Minority (Republican) Witnesses

Linda Chavez, President, Center for Equal Opportunity

-as "the nation's only Conservative think tank exclusively devoted to issues of race and ethnicity," they are anti-affirmative action, anti-bilingual education, anti-anything-that's-not-in-English

Sandy Froman, Esq., Former President, National Rifle Association of America

-self-explanatory, but, I've included a link so you can see they're nice new flash splash page

Dr. Stephen Halbrook, Attorney

-basically, the NRA's fave lawyer

Tim Jeffries, Founder, P7 Enterprises

-he runs a management consulting company emphasising "planning, priorities, performance, passion, perseverance, perspective and pfun"

Peter Kirsanow, Commissioner, U.S. Commission on Civil Rights

-yep

David Kopel, Esq., Independence Institute

-runs a think tank that addresses "a variety of public policy issues from a free-market, pro-freedom perspective." In other words: GUNS.

John McGinnis, Professor, Northwestern University School of Law

-right-wing foreign law esxpert

Neomi Rao, Professor, George Mason University School of Law

-right-wing foreign law expert

Frank Ricci, Director of Fire Services, ConnectiCOSH (Connecticut Council on Occupational Safety and Health)

-this is the guy who sued for reverse-discrimination (against white males), in firefighter promotion testing

David Rivkin, Esq., Partner, Baker Hostetler

-advocate of limitless Executive power

Nick Rosenkranz, Professor, Georgetown University School of Law

-right-wing foreign law expert

Ilya Somin, Professor, George Mason University School of Law

-radical libertarian law professor, BFF of John McGinnis, anti-eminent domain freedom-fighter

Lieutenant Ben Vargas, New Haven Fire Department

-I'm gonna guess he's familiar with Ricci v. Destefano

Dr. Charmaine Yoest, Americans United for Life

-anti-abortion activist group

The Democratic witnesses are pretty self explanatory and unexciting: Various law enforcement officials including US Attorneys and a former CIA director; academics from Yale, Columbia and Temple; the Mayor of NYC; big-wigs from the Hispanic groups of the Bar and Congress; and, okay fine, a MLB pitcher.

The Republican witnesses, on the other hand, are sometimes obtusely-named and very exciting:academics from that great bastion of thought, GMU; groups that are anti-anything-that-helps-minorities; people who learn international laws so they can proclaim their lameness; gunslingers and the lawyers who love them; and, of course, anti-abortion groups.

Anyway, I found it helpful to see it spelled out in this way. What a joke.

"Yo No Busco Hombres."

According to Google Translator, she's saying: "I was not looking for men. It's like if I wanted to try something because if you knew." But that still doesn't explain the Darth Vader. (Please click the image to view it full size.)

Did Everyone Enjoy Their Fourth of July?

Gay Marriages

"Gay marriages." That's what Bob Sheer (of Truthdig.com) said this week in a discussion on KCRW's Left, Right, & Center. It was a bit jarring. I've grown accustomed to hearing people say "gay marriage" in these sort of exchanges. But, his use of the plural revealed a pretty funtamental flaw in the rhetoric. "Gay marriage" is a term for the debate, not the marriages. So, I'm gonna use the plural from now on. Gay couples - Sung and me, my sister and Kriston, Ellen and Portia, Bert and Ernie - should be acknowledged as individual couples and not just an issue.

But Whatever They Offer You, Don't Feed the Plants!

There have been a handful of books (Winesburg Ohio, The Magic Christian, Switch Bitch), movies (Videodrome, Supervixens, War of the Roses), and plays (Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Blasted, Adaptation) that have made a truly indelible impression on me. Stuff that's caught my imagination and compelled me to watch it over and over, to study it, to imitate it.

Recently, Sung reminded me that Little Shop of Horrors was one of those movies. I loved the cartoony ye-oldey look. I loved the music and had the soundtrack memorized. I especially loved the "fun" way the movie combined aspects of death (dark, violent, and slightly obscene conent) with comedy. I'd never seen anything that hit quite that note and still haven't. I mean, this was way before South Park, Beavis, et al.

Then Sung (who might just love this movie more than I do, god bless him) found this online... a reconstructed version of an original, unreleased ending. Unfortunately, the deleted sequences are in B&W with band-aided sound editing and effects. Still, though, it's amazing to see how ambitious and edgy the the project really was. Orson Welles, Tokyo sci-fi, Aldous Huxley, it all comes into play. And how fucking awesome that all those 1980's A-listers - Jim Belushi, Steve Martin, Rick Moranis, Christopher Guest, Bill Murray, John Candy - signed up for it? Not to even mention Alan Menken and Frank fucking Oz. Anyhoo...

(How gorgeous is Ellen Greene's performance? Truly inspired stuff.)

(Oh, and don't write to tell me it was a musical first. Duh.)

He Will Rape Them with His Mouth

This made me laugh so hard, I had to share it. I love how it begins at very ridiculous and goes downhill from there.

Ahhrrrrrrrr, Matey! (...is sooo last month)

I know, I know. Modern-day pirates are sooo passee. But this weekend I listened to to a piece on BBC radio about the modern-day Somali piracy industry. Amazing stuff. There's (apparently LOL) a thriving, self-regulated multimillion-dollar industry of investors, translators, vendors, insurance providers, bankers, etc., working together to get their share of the booty. Anyway, if this topic even remotely interests you, I highly recommend that you check it out HERE.

Oh, Go Fuck Yourself

Actor Out of Work

This video's even better than this song.

Who Says...

...our generation is distracted, over stimulated, we need constant stimulation, uh, multiple, back to tumblr.

If You're Wondering Why I'm So Obsessed with Leonard Cohen...

Am I Just Getting Old...

...or, are jokes like this still funny?

'Cause I'm still laughing.

Easy Come, Easy, Um, Go?

No sooner did I finish tweeting about yesterday's $250 downswing (I made it back!) than I saw this amazing hand online...

Here's the hand history...

LarsLuzak posts the small blind of $500

durrrr posts the big blind of $1,000

LarsLuzak raises to $3,000

durrrr raises to $9,000

LarsLuzak raises to $26,000

durrrr raises to $78,000

LarsLuzak raises to $179,148.50, and is all in

durrrr calls $47,499, and is all in

LarsLuzak shows [Kc Ac]

durrrr shows [8s 4s]

Uncalled bet of $53,649.50 returned to LarsLuzak

*** FLOP *** [2s As Ts]

*** TURN *** [2s As Ts] [4h]

*** RIVER *** [2s As Ts 4h] [Td]

LarsLuzak shows two pair, Aces and Tens

durrrr shows a flush, Ace high

durrrr wins the pot ($250,997.50) with a flush, Ace high

LarsLuzak is sitting out

*** SUMMARY ***

Total pot $250,998 

It's pretty ill that durrrr called with that hand, no?  That he allowed and encouraged the confrontation to escalate to that degree?  But, that's his game, I guess.  Who am I to argue?  Right now, durrrr is on top. Just today, I watched Phil Helmuth call him the greatest player under 30 on national TV.  Of course, this was after Helmuth pwned him in a heads-up match.

But, I feel the same way about durrr as I do about all young ultra-LAG players... He's got talent, sure, but he's also gotta be running well.  I mean, you can't always win with with your crappy 8s4s, can you?  In fact, you can only win (exactly) 37% of the time (against a suited AK). And, that's the kinda math that's probably not gonna work out so hot in the long run.

Till then, though... It's fun to watch. But I'll continue to worship the safe, sane, smart, solid folks - Barry Greenstein, Jennifer Harman, Howard Lederer, Doyle Brunson, and Chau Giang in the oldtimer bracket, and my fave, Annette_15, in the little league. 

BTW: This was a huge pot but not the not the biggest I've seen.  That dubious honor goes to David Benyamine - a fantastic but clearly addicted player - who won $550K from a player whose name I didn't recognize. 

Response to Rep. Virginia Foxx's Comments on the Death of Matthew Shepard

If you haven't seen her original comments, please check them out before watching the response, below.

Rat Flu

It's no laughing matter.

Amy's Summer Vacation

Well it's not really a summer vacation, since, her extended stay on the fabulous Carribean isle of St. Lucia seems to have been going on for years now.  One glance at these pictures and you can see why!
   

Trust me folks, if millions of dollars were suddenly dropped into my bank account, I'd spend 'em presicely the same way Amy is - totally fucked out of my mind, tits to the wind, eating delicious foods, masturbating in public, and alternately fucking and menacing strangers. I hear she's considering making St. Lucia her permanant home and adopting a local child. Bravo!

No Nipple Policy

How thoughtful someone was to censor this picture. Nudity is disturbing to some people.

Stephin Merritt's Playlist

God bless KCRW in LA. Their programming (and podcasts) consistently rules. A whole lot.  Tip of my hat to Sung for catching this one...

A Beautiful Ceremony

Isn't it odd that "same-sex" and "opposite" marriage seem to get approximately the same amount of applause?

Flush, Wait, Flush, Wait, Flush, etc.

I use generous amounts of toilet paper. I do. Why? Because I want to make sure my ass is wiped just as clean as humanly possible. I also want to make sure that I don't get anything nasty on my hands while I'm doing it. This requires generous amounts of toilet paper. So, I'm always left feeling rather put out when I'm at someone's place and I gotta do the deed and they have a toilet with barely any water pressure. It's tough to blame them, because, I assume they didn't test the toilet for water pressure prior to moving in (although, honestly, they should've). But, I can't help but be disturbed by the knowledge that they are most likely not wiping their ass(es) properly. How could they be? The toilet would get plugged up. Clearly. Because, in order for me to make-do, I have to run my generous amounts of TP down the tube in a couple separate flushes. Flush, wait, flush, wait, flush, etc. Thankfully, I don't have this problem in my apartment. It's like being on the space shuttle. WOOSH! Once I accidentally flushed a washcloth. No problem. Anyway, my point is this: The next time you find yourself waiting for a guest to use your bathroom and you hear multiple flushes and you're thinking, "What the hell's that freakshow doing in there?" ... please stop to consider that maybe the freakshow is you. You and your shitty stanky ass.  

Probably

..the worst tan line of all time.

Chelsea <3s Dodgeball and I <3 Her

Fave line: She doesn't know none of us are playing.

Fave line #2: Brew this, bitch!

Fave action: The streching of the kaslopis.

Cazwell Is Sooo Fucking HOT

Gotta love a gay rapper.  Thanks Lucrezia!

Click here for the even hotter one.

Making the Best of It

I think we could all learn a thing or two from this sweet little doggie.

What up, "G"?

I'm so sick of looking at photoshopped porn. Look at that G.  It's so fake. I mean, who'd ever wear a G there?!  Ridiculous.

The Accidental Racist? You Be My Judge.

Last week I got on a stage to do stand-up comedy for the very first time - sort of on a dare.  Of course, I was extremely nervous.  Anyone who knows me knows I very rarely perform because intense stage fright + short term memory loss (thanks teenage years!) = not a good idea.  To the best of my memory (adrenaline can cloud things) this is what happened...

I was only allowed three minutes.  The hosts told me I'd see them wave an open cell phone (light) once when I had one minute left, and then continually when I was outta time.  My turn came and I walked up to the mike and told the crowd to calm down - that I wasn't gonna be that funny.  (They did, sorta snickering.)  I told them that my mom had suggested I open with a joke. (They laughed, good.)  Then I told the following joke, How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick. (They laughed pretty hard, great, feeling less nervous.)  Then I started dissing on the credentials of the foolish chubby dude named Grant who books the open-night show I was performing at (who I misidentified as Greg on purpose) and his Asian "midget" sidekick.  (Audience sorta half-laughed, didn't know what to thing, thought hmm, maybe I'll lean into that.)  I made fun of him for booking me sight-unseen through a DM from a friend of a friend on Facebook.  (Which was true, but again, FUCK, just a half-laugh.)  I said I imagined his mom must be real proud of him for telling jokes to other peoples friends who were polite-laughing in a basement.  (They didn't really laugh at all, I panicked for a sec, had gone too far, then I lost where I was, room'd gone silent.)  I said, I shouldn't complain though cause I didn't have to ask anyone if they liked comedy. (Biggish laugh this time as everyone realized I was referring to the amateur comics who stalk Times Square trying to get people to come to the show - they generally need to get like 5-10 people in before they're allowed to take the stage, anyway, they laughed and I thought, whew, good.)  Went on to complain that sometimes it's like a receiving line and you're always saying no to everyone cause you're on your way to meet a friend - i.e., Do you like comedy? no.  Do you want to help starving children? no.  Do you want to save whales? no.  Do you want to support the Democratic Party? no.  (Huge laugh, niiice, I relaxed a bit.)  Continued, But don't you hate how there's always the one black comic who's like, do you like black people?  (The crowd sorta nodded but didn't really laugh, which is what I thought they'd do when I'd read the joke to myself, I took a bit of a breath.)  I went on, I don't need that!  That sort of stuff messes with my, like, racial ballast.  (I may have said racist, I'm not sure cause that comment was followed by a VERY uncomfortable laugh, at which point, I thought, okay, at least they're laughing, I'll lean into it.)  I said, Like have you ever had a black guy grab your arm to tell you you dropped your wallet or something, black folks, you can just butt out or something for a minute, this is really between us white people. (And from my perspective, I thought I saw the black people laugh and the white people kinda half-boo, thought um, wow, shit, they're booing me, the cell-phone light waved once, one minute left, panic, what am I um saying?)  I said, This is just between US.  (Another half-boo.)  I said, When a black guy grabs my arm in public, they're a mugger or a beggar.  (The audience booed again, louder, no laughing, and the timekeeper began to frantically wave the cell-phone light despite the fact that, I thought, only a second or two had passed, are they yanking me?, totally panicked, couldn't remember what I'd said last, jumped forward to the only remotely self-contained "joke" left in my script and heard myself say, as the timekeeper and Grant started to come after me, down the aisle)... That was my race jokes, I've got one more for you, What do you get when you cross Michelle Obama with Condolezza Rice? an African-American cunt.  (Enormous booing as I thanked them and left the stage.)

So... yeah ...

There were two more comics to follow, and each of 'em commented on me like (I'm paraphrasing) Whew, wasn't that guy too much, Ever heard of P.C., stuff like that.  It was very cathartic for everyone, I suppose.  Except me.  I sat myself down on the couch next to the black bathroom attendant and tried not to hyperventilate.  Managed to keep from crying.  Couldn't quite remember what I'd said or what had caused all the booing I'd heard.  Nobody would come near me.  When the show was over, I thanked Grant, who gave me an understandably cold shoulder.  Also thanked the Asian chick who gave me an even colder one.  Then, as I left the club with my solemn and embarrassed posse, my best friend's BF, a Puerto Rican guy who identifies as black, decided to lay into me.  Called me names and stormed off with her in tow.  It was an absurd three-ring circus.  (The kind you can really ONLY  have on a Manhattan street, btw.)

Post mortem...

Few things are as scary as America's history with racism and, more specifically, slavery.  From this history, the country has developed all kinds of problems (ask TI or Magic Johnson) and developed many conflicting proposals for dealing with them (ask Bill Cosby or Michael Eric Dyson).  But, I've never felt fully implicated in this regard until this happened.  I grew up in Salt Lake City and Montreal, where different ethnic conflicts took priority - Mormon vs. non-Mormon and French vs. not-French.  Before moving to DC in the late 90's, I'd always viewed black vs. white racism as something that was exclusive to the American South.  I didn't realize that not only is racism endemic, but, DC is worse than most places, as it definitely has one foot firmly planted in the South.  Yet, it was still very shocking to my sensibilities when I realized that all the black and white people were almost completely separated.  Different neighborhoods, restaurants, clubs, etc.  And it seemed that this separation was enforced by both sides.  I remember being surprised by the sight of two downtown dance clubs, each with a rope line, one for blacks, one for whites.  (The clubs, not the lines.)  I sat and watched in amazement as people approached the clubs and sorted themselves by color.  Another educative moment came when my first-ever BF, Rob Kabwe, came to visit me and one of my friends pointed out that my "first BF was black."  It was true.  Rob was.  But, god's truth, I'd never noticed.  Sure, Rob was half-African but nobody in my group of friends in Montreal ever cared about that.  We were too busy being impressed that he was (oooh, scary music)... half-French. 

After living in DC for 8 years, I realized there was no easy way to buck the system.  At first, I traveled in AA social circles (I'd moved there to get off drugs) and these folks mixed pretty well.  But as my AA meeting attendance tapered off and I moved on from these circles, I found myself losing touch with the handful of black friends I'd made there.  Before I knew it, I found I had almost no black friends at all and began to catch myself having thoughts that had once seemed foreign to me.  Black people had slowly became poor, rude, uneducated, and dangerous.  There was nothing I could do about these thoughts.  It just happened.  They'd been implated somehow.  So I decided not to sweat it.  Who cares if I have those thoughts.  They must be common to everyone else, eh?  I mean, I didn't originate them and I don't agree with them, soas long as I acknowledge them, they can't hurt me, right?  But, my experience at the comedy club taught me that others don't quite agree.  

Last week, I was struck when, in a speech commemorating black history month, Attorney General Eric Holder said: "Though this nation has proudly thought of itself as an ethnic melting pot, in things racial we have always been and continue to be, in too many ways, essentially a nation of cowards."  I saw it on Hardball because, liberal news-junkie that I am, I'm addicted to MSNBC.  But they reported on it in a section that examined only one angle of the story - "Did he go too far?"  It struck me as odd since they never seemed to ever ask, did he have a point?  I guess we'll never know?  Cause it was never discussed on Hardball.  Nor on Keith Olbermann's show.  Nor on The Rachel Maddow Show after that.  They just kept asking other commentators (mainly black ones), whether or not he'd gone too far.  Had he gone too far?  Did he go too far?  Was "cowards" really appropriate?

So sure, I could try to explain the missing parts of my botched race jokes.  But, I'm not going to.  I'm just gonna hope that folks will laugh at what a tard I am.  That they'll give me the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what I really meant.   I mean, I'm just doing the best I can with what I've got.  Natural-born coward that I am.

Hot ... or Not?

Did that turn you on? No? Me neither. 

But, apparently it's doing something for this middle-aged German dude. His youtube channel is filled with videos (there are 57 total) of him doing this and other moves with various "young boy"s.  He's even got a Facebook group.  No worries, the "young boy"s are clearly legal and nothing nefarious is happening.  But doesn't that almost make it worse?  Like a serial killer who doesn't rape his victims?  

I can count at least 11 different fellows who were willing to participate.  They're laughing a bit, or just looking perplexed, but, sure enough, they're being held, carried, cradled, rocked, lifted, getting shoulder rides, giving shoulder rides, and in a few priceless videos, flying like superman.  Then there's all the videos of them doing these things back at him!

How exactly does this happen? I mean, it's probably fair to assume the "young boy"s are prostitutes. But, you never know.  They look pretty wholesome, no?  If they were prostitutes, would they really allow him to film their faces?  Is a shoulder ride extra?  Is it less?  I dunno.  And, although some of the videos are filmed in hotel rooms, others are in a private residence (nice curio) - and many show the German dude's face. Why? Does he want people to see him? Does he wanna get caught?  By his boss? By his wife? By other "young boy"s?  He's even listed an email address on the Facebook group - klaus_monarch@msn.com.

Anyway, I found this stuff while looking for the videos (below) for the Principal's Office (thanks,  world wide web!) and have been haunted by them ever since.  Hopefully, they'll haunt you, too. 

Green Onions Are the New Bread

I was strolling along with my coworker, Isabel, today, TOTALLY MINDING OUR OWN BUSINESS on a rather crowded subway platform in the Times Square station, when we came upon THIS...

... a bundle of green onions.  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  Seriously, chills went down my spine - for a few reasons that might not be immediately clear to people who don't know me well and also because you're only seeing this crappy unclear camera-phone photo.  

• First, people were steering pretty clear of these onions for some reason.  The photo looks like it was taken in an empty lonely spot and NOT on a busy Times Square subway platform, right?  There were people EVERYWHERE.  But, nobody was going ANYWHERE NEAR these onions.  
• Second, the onions were exceedingly crisp and fresh-looking. I'm sorry but anything that's SITTING ON THE GROUND of a Times Square subway platform - truly the penultimate in DIRTY FILTHY GROUND - should NOT EVER be looking fresh.  
  

Okay, I was suspicious and I made Isabel wait while I cautiously snapped this photo.  Now, anyone who knows my history of being attacked by bread in public will understand my apprehension. In fact, I should probably chronicle a bit of that history here (I don't want anyone to think I'm just kidding, or, conversely, crazy).  But, on second thought, I'm not gonna do that.  Let's give it a day or two.  Otherwise, who knows, I may jinx myself and wind up looking down the wrong end of a bundle of green onions before midnight.  (Something I really don't need in my life right now, to be honest.)  

So, here's the deal, let's just take a few deep breath and give it a few days - let fate do whatever it's gotta do to me - and then, only then - assuming no bread-and-or-green-onions-related "mishaps" - I'll explain it all to you.  

Wish me luck!

The Principal's Office

Is anyone else addicted to this show?  It's so funny.


And, how HOT is this principal? Daaayamm.

Is This Real Life?

Hairflips, Halfshirts, and Humping

What's not to like?  This movie's perfect!  (Seriously, please watch the entire clip.  It's 4 mins very well spent.)

In Obama's Post-Racial America...

Scenes like the one pictured here will no longer be commonplace.

It's Always Funny Till...

Gaza Horrors

I was gearing up to write something about the horrific situation in Gaza.  Have been getting the Al Jazeera tweets every couple hours and it's literally keeping me up at night.  But then, on my way to work, I saw THIS!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  Who knew that THIS was a possibility?!  A whole truck full of Swedish Fish!!!!  I tell ya, this ol' world constantly amazes me.

The Year in Rebuke

In case you don't regularly listen to Harry Shearer's amazing weekly radio show, "Le Show" ... I thought I'd post his most recent episode.  As always, it's filled with elaborately produced, intensely bright radio skits, voiced by Shearer.  This one looks back at the recent political season and is one of the funniest things I've ever heard - the McCain mis-speech with Leiberman whispering corrections is pretty priceless.  Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or listen to the 12/28/08 episode here (although you won't be able to stop and start).  Too friggin' much.